-Yes, but I got one in the hand and thats worth two in the bush. [message received noise] [crowd laughs] Id send her this. The next year she received two Emmy Award nominations for her stand-up comedy special Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now. So I was having pain in my thirdand fourthtoe. You got a stupid ass, yeah, make me laugh, yeah I dont know, you know. Because it is when I realized how strong I was. Why do you say that to her?. Oh, and the hummus was good. If I go in there and if I dont have any money on me and theyretrying to hand me the towel I feel like: No, thank you. I went on safari and I looked like I should have been on safari. I didnt know it was her cause she wasin a different car. Cut to you, sitting at a bar, drunk, in the same outfit the entire time. Yep. [claps] When we try on shoes theres a little tiny mirror on the ground. Please, change. And the light doesnt change so theyjust creep up alongside of you. May 26, 2022, 3:58 PM PDT. You might not but you might. And then at the end it says: Ask your doctor if Trulicity is right for you. Its like: I dont even know whats wrongwith them. Watch @SavannahGuthrie 's full interview with Ellen DeGeneres about her decision to end her talk show after its upcoming 19th season. [crowd laughs] [claps] I wrote that at 3 a.m. So, I think, you know, if more gay peoplewould endorse and not in acommercial, like, but, although Can you imagine: Hi, Im Ellen DeGeneres. By the way, all right, listen to this joke. Not bad . And the haters are gonna hate, hate, hate, hate. Ellen Degeneres: ( 00:00) Hi, everyone and welcome. Trulicity? It really Its like Its gonna fit. I had a dream that I was holding a baby finch, like a little precious bird and it was my pet and I put it back in its cage which was this beautiful multi-tiered bamboo cage and the bird became me, when it went into the cage and all of a sudden it realized that it was up against the window all alone, and the window was open and the bars were wide enough for the bird to fly out. Ellen DeGeneres: Here and Now (1,088) 7.6 60min 2003 X-Ray 7+ Comedian/actress Ellen DeGeneres brings her honesty and off-the-wall wit to this stand-up special taped live at NYC's Beacon Theater. Because looking back on it, I was the only dude and I was a senior in high school trying to try out for an all-girl dance team. We never bought anything. Its like Little holes everywhere, you think: Whos gonnato see it? Listen to the MP3 Audio here: Ellen DeGeneres' 2009 Commencement Speech at Tulane University TRANSCRIPT: Scott Cowen - 14th President, Tulane University Dont let anyone try and talk you out of them. Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features. We need smart people. And also, I have a fear of getting hit in the eye with one of those graduation caps because theyre extremely pointy and no one really pays attention. I dont read at home, but Im gonna read there, Ill have a lot of time. Ill tell you. Is that the largest popcorn you've got there, that bucket? It was the only graduation ceremony really. Ellen Degeneres: (05:14) I dont know, I just guessed. I was raised in New Orleans and we Its a wonderful place to grow up and Iwas raised Christian Science. Take a left at the gift shop, and that is the front door. I think people have a tendency We look atsomebody and we decide we know all aboutthem. Ellen Degeneres: (06:39) If you look up: Birds that dance to music. Youll see,there are so many of them. Ill tell you that. Theyre still listing the side effects. Dave Chappelle talks about Kanye West, the 2022 midterm elections and Donald Trump. "Ellen DeGeneres" Scripts.com. Ellen Degeneres: (04:32) I dont know why they insist on doing it. And some signs are easier to spot than others. Maam. And anyway. She also launched a lifestyle brand, ED Ellen DeGeneres, which comprises a collection of apparel, accessories, home, baby, and pet items. I moved into this tiny basement apartment and you could hardly stand up in it. We shouldve saved a fortune on that. On Thursday, the comedian said goodbye to her long-running self-titled talk show after 19 seasons of (more than 4,000 . NBC By John Koblin March 22, 2021 When Ellen DeGeneres returned from a summer hiatus to open the 18th season of her daytime talk show in September, she came armed with an apology. Ellen Degeneres: (07:53) Ellen DeGeneres' long-running daytime talk show will come to an end after 19 seasons. If you put your money where your mouth is, you might end up swallowing a penny. Like, if someone cuts me off in a dangerous way if I honk, they are like: Ellen? [crowd laughs] [crowd laughs and claps] Yeah, that and the dancing. Her character, Ellen Morgan, also came out to a therapist played by Winfrey, and the series went on to explore various LGBT issues, including the coming-out process. Youse a fine motherfucker, wont you back that ass up Theyre flying and they think theyve got it all but they dont. But I'm honored that you've asked me here to speak at your common cement. Ellen Degeneres: (04:10) If you look at the commercials that areon the air, most every commercial is forsome type of medicine, some kind of pill and I dont knowif youve noticed it the medicine commercials The side effectsare so long that the people on the commercial are running out of activities. The comedian muses on stoned koalas, his dads vasectomy confusion, choosing between his hair and his sex drive and more. Here it is. However, when I saw her stand up special, Here and Now, I laughed to the point of tearsI don't think I'd ever immediately admired a comic so much. Im sweatin in the drawers, yeah, hard and long, yeah Ellen Lee DeGeneres (born January 26, 1958) is an American comedian, television host, actress, writer, and producer. They insist on memorizing your order. 0:00. It wastwo rooms and I had a mattress on thefloor and the entire basement was infested withfleas. Where do you get your protein? They are. But I didnt know what I was gonna do and my life changed when I was 21 yearsold and my girlfriend at the time was killed in a car accident And I passed the accident., it had just happened. Everybody was all nervous about dandruff and then Sofia Vergara does this Head & Shoulders commercial Her son has dandruff. What do they like Walk around, opening [crowd laughs] I heard someone say that a junk drawer is a metaphor for your life. Does that cancel it out in any way or What if I had two cats, does that make mequestioning or am I not quite gay at that point? I got it right there, thank you. It's all on Hulu. You were helping us for a minute there. I was vegan for 8 years and I really do believe that is great for you. Ellen Degeneres gave a virtual graduation speech from her home, congratulating the class of 2020. Just becausethey knew I was gay. Host Ellen DeGeneres continues to deliver uplifting, inspiring, and hilarious experiences to viewers. I mean all throughout history, no one sliced it? I roll it real tight. Girl, you look good, wont you back that ass up I had gotten to the point where it was more important for me to feel proud of who I was and live my truth than worry about what other people thought of me. Everybodys fine with that. And to the college grads out there, as I mentioned, I did not graduate from college, but I went for almost two weeks so I get it. And this side of the table? Still Oh, thank you. I have a lot of ladders I have a six-foot, I have an eight-foot I have the extension, the 20-foot aluminum. -Are you in any pain? I love that expression. Like, I mean Baryshnikov doesnt get askedto dance as much as I get asked to dance. We dont try socks on because we trust Because the size is so Its likesize three through 11. Is there a special chicken that youd like to give a shout out to? No, deathly allergic. Like: What was my choice? By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. "Very few stations wanted to buy the show, and here we are 20 years . So I try to keep everything and use everything except for when ketchup gets down to that part where it starts makingthat noise, Ill throw it out because theres no need in keeping it when itmakes that noise. Im not sure. I cant No. So my entire childhood, I never had a vaccination, never had any medicine. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Yeah, but I got one in the hand so -But theres two in the bush. Democratic Senate candidate Beto O'Rourke dropped by The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Wednesday to discuss a number of topics, including a mini speech he gave about his feelings on NFL . Its on your mind cause youre worried that someones gonna find out. Girl, you looks good, wont you back that ass up But if thats your song when youre 30, its still your song when youre 85. Its I said: I have three dogs. Id say: Do you mind if I write it down and give it to you and then you take it in the kitchen? Web. Thank you. Yeah, we never had a vaccination, never had But they even kept, like,medicine I didnt know anything about medicine. But I really For a few minutes there it really seemed like it was goingwell and I thought everyone in Hollywoodthats closeted is gonna come out after me I pictured like a stampede of wildelephants like every closeted actor andactress in Hollywood But instead, they were like littlemeerkats coming out of their little meerkat closets. Anyway, it turns out that its May, in case you lost track out there. I was hoping for more of a really. But it was really. I appreciate it. Ellen Degeneres: (04:51) But no, first I want to talk about you and your beautiful wife, because now you're in a new campaign for. Now, she's addressing them directly about her decision to end . Im there three days, Ill bring six books and Yeah. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience. Im full, I ate in the bathroom. We should be on our own path. She opens the show with an obligatory . Thats some good marketing right there, isntit? We get a junk drawer. Birds it turns out, love music. I mean, there are gay football players, there are gay baseball players there are gayhockey players, there are gay doctors, lawyers there are gay hairdressers, you guys. Shes your friend, shes my friend. It was filmed at the Beacon Theatre on Broadway in New York City, New York on May 2, 2003. Something different gonna happen in here? Ellen Degeneres: (05:38) For the shoes to see themselves, cause youcant. I think youre doing a great job. This is my homework for my online Spanish. -No, not at all. Her stand-up career started in the early 1980s, and included a 1986 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. You wont throw it away, cause what if someone finds it and opens something? We saw the first wave of disapproval after DeGeneres attempted to rehabilitate the . I a few years ago I started ending my show by saying: Be kind to one another. And [crowd cheers] Yeah, thats what I thought. It does get better. Trees have leaves. Girl, who is you playin wit? For DeGeneres, who built her career on playing versions of "Ellen," by appearing, as a . There are a lot of children that it would impact a lot of kids would be helped by that, you know, and [crowd cheers and clap] Its not just actorsand actresses. You know It was probably a tall guy who invented the ladder going: I have aspirations of my own. *Ellen holds up two black and white photos showing David and Iman modelling clothes. [gasps] Happy birthday For fiveminutes it was really celebrated and then everyone changed their minds. Oh my God, I have so much anxiety. Theres not a lot of option at most restaurants. I dont know I am still gay by the way. Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up I did not graduate college. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, and the longest distance between two points is the ladies room at a WNBA game. Andy Lassner: (06:21) Call me Big Daddy when you back that ass up Im sure you have it archived. It was really, really special. Really celebrated and then you take it in the hand so -But theres two in the early,... And [ crowd laughs ] Id send her this size is so its likesize three through 11 of ( than. Entire childhood, I have an eight-foot I have aspirations of my own do! 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