There were plenty of other things wrong with our relationship, but I was super-duper in love with him except that now I realize the person I ACTUALLY liked, loved, and respected was the imaginary version of him that lived in my head. He is really good with computers and accounting. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. I have two of those exes and there my collection ends! They're Cold To You And more than. One of the reasons my partner has my trust when it comes to medicine things and my parents do not is because when I say to them I am trying this new thing for X, because my doctor thinks it will do Y without causing Z side effect my partner replies with Cool, hope it kicks in and helps you feel better, let me know if you need me to do anything and my parents reply with a long list of reasons Doctor Oz thinks that its the most evil drug in the world and how can your doctor be competent if theyre prescribing this drug that moms degree from Google University taught her to think is bad?. He wants LW to do these things so he doesnt have to deal with depressed LW (he thinks). But its still a good idea to evaluate your relationship and whether your Dude is amenable to changing his behaviour when youve expressed a desire for him to Quit Doing That Thing, and what that might mean about how much he respects you. Not once, not twice, but every time you call. For me, life is better without him. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. I grew up with people who were allergic to being encouraging. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. (From knowing my mother I now if shed had any reservations she would have allowed herself to tell me about them as many times as she could. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. The people who appoint themselves my life coach have always happened to be women, personally). NOTHING YOU DO IS GOOD ENOUGH! What the fuck? YES! What do I do? Youll be happier and lighter without the constant criticism and monitoring, and hell be happier with someone who has the qualities he wants in his new, improved partner (or hell find a willing victim for Coach Body Police: Infinity Annoying Steps To the New You!). This was highlighted in the response, but what JUMPED out at me was the bf not wanting the LW to be comfortable, because fuuuuck that. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. Make sure his action matches whatever he tells you. Walking is much better for me, sure it isnt strenuous (seriously, WTF????) Which is precisely what he sounds like. Also, are his goals for you actually about you or are they all about him? Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. Stop. I was going through a rough patch and he wanted to help me, and the only way he knew how was to be my cheerleader. He used to love visiting your family, friends and all the places you like going to. I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch. When he veered into bossing me around when we were in the gym at the same time, I told him, You can be my trainer or my boyfriend, not both. Dynamitochondria, I really have nothing useful to add to that link, except I have been there, and it sucks. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. I think he has a lot of ideas about how this is affecting him, directly. I might even be texting a new girl nothing that crosses the line, but maybe dipping my toes in the water. I think your bf is in love with the idea of the person he wants to make you into, the person he wants you to look and act like in other words, hes in love with himself as he sees himself manifest through you. And with your wife, there may be things you can do that help, but they are probably concrete gestures. I have one word for you, LW. He graciously said that hed wait for me to get better, which somehow included losing weight, even though I never said anything about that, but continued to be, well, him, which was a self centered twit who wanted a wife, and not actually *me*. Yes, seconded. Im struggling to find good ways to respond to my boyfriend when he tells me what I should or need to be doing. Dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do this. Really, Im sure it is for someone. And he does this because he realizes that accounting for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical! The goalposts will keep moving. And if hes not interested in investigating ways to help you were back to Case A: Raging Arsehole. I have a friend who often makes himself go to social outings, because hes noticed the pattern within himself that he usually feels like bailing and not going when an event is about to happen, but if he makes himself go, he usually has a good time and is glad that he did. Reasonable. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. All good things. Responding to your partner asking you to stop trying to control them by telling them that their opinion is stupid is pretty emotionally abusive. Well, in my case, itd make me feel unsafe and be a total incompatibility. All couples fight but if every single argument ever leads only to him feeling like you dont want to work on it, then that is definitely something for the two of you to discuss. A big part of the reason I gave up running for four years is how much it keyed up my anxiety about being good enough, being fast enough, and my shame about how much strength and speed Ive lost since high school. I dont need you to be my therapist, dude, I need you to be my lover and my supporter and my friend. What was it that made him stop putting in the work? My jaded self is all "Flee! Ill offer help if asked, but otherwise, I try to stay out of itunless an (in)action is directly affecting me, as it was in this case. But, if that was all there was to it, he wouldnt be getting angry when she isnt doing those things, or dismissing and belittling her words. 2. For example, depression is very tiring in itself. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. One of the best dates I ever went on was to a cheap jazz concert in my neighborhood; we danced the night away and ended up as great friends. This is part of why we dont have a good relationship). Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. If you havent dug into relationship issues all that much in therapy, here is a script for bringing that up with your counseling pro: I feel like we do a lot of work in my sessions on building confidence and motivation, but when I get home my boyfriend harps on me to do better and be better, for example (give examples). And exercise does help me it does! Former generations have never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want us to believe. One of the surest ways to find out why he stopped putting in the work is by asking him. Now is *not* the time for someone to run a ledger of all your supposed daily transgressions and fuck the idea of the ledger in the first place. But Im definitely not saying you need to DTMF right away. nuanced (especially when exercise is not the only project Im undertaking at the moment.) My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. We dont need to split up so I wanted to highlight that things dont need to be The Worst for you to decide a particular behavior needs to stop. This was where I got very concerned. Alas, LWs BF appears to be one of them. You will never be trying hard enough/doing enough, because it is not about you. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. But now, he doesnt suggest doing anything together anymore either. Make sure your tone of voice and body language are completely neutral, because if they arent, what you say wont come across as simply wanting information but instead will seem like an attack on his character which could lead you nowhere at all. Exactly. We also set aside a weekly time for Partnership Serious Talks and during that time we create a space for advice and suggestions that we then do not revisit at any other point during the week. Which in turn meant that every time he took me to a surprise, he could justify it by saying that I always had fun so I just needed to trust him. I find that the occasional session of length swimming makes me feel mentally great for a while afterwards, but I will also be exhausted for the rest of the day and not be able to get anything done, and usually experience a mood crash too. It didnt make it easy, but it helped, and it showed support. Your boyfriends Exercise more! Earlier in your relationship, your partner was always interested in finding out things about you, from your goals and dreams, to your likes and dislikes, and even how your day was. So every time he drove me to a surprise, which slowly morphed into _every fucking date_, I had all this tension and stress. Whenever hes away, I tend to either eat that or GF pizza (pizza is another of those things) in fact, I might go out and get myself GF pizza for dinner tonight. You do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc. We both loved science fiction. He has ridiculously good boundaries, because its always clear to him who owns what. Depression is a mix of the chemical/biological and the situational, while youre working to treat the illness and silence the mean scripts from your Jerkbrain, you might find great improvements in your lifeif you freed yourself from a constant external source of criticism. Cause this happens to me a lot, both with migraines and depression. No-one can pressure him into anything nor does he pressure anyone else. And whats wrong with your alphabet, here, let me prioritize those letters for you. You deserve to be with someone who shows you respect who likes you the way you are, who isnt always trying to fix you and who listens when you ask him to stop certain behaviours rather than telling you your request is ridiculous. Of course its hard to tell from a short letter, because relationships are complicated. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. what if what if what if?!?! The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? Not good. So, his motives dont come *just* from the knowledge that she wants to get better. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? You wrote: Im in therapy to recover and get to a place where I think that Im good enough & love and trust myself again (after years growing up having that constantly undermined) . My husband has a hard time with my anxiety and sometimes asks if Ive eaten or what Ive eaten or mentions exercise to help me. Its tough, but so are you, and you deserve to be happy and comfortable in your skin. She did all that and I struggle even getting out of bed in the morning? Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? In some cases, he may have been enjoying chasing you more than having caught you. (Ive blogged about this a bit and will give you links if you want.) You already did the self-caring thing that you needed to do for yourself, and your instinct isnt to agree with your boyfriend about what you should do, its to stand up for yourself about whats true. His only motivation to change is to stop you. Release your grip and be open to any possibility in your relationship. 5. It can help to be accountable, and say to someone else hey, Im having trouble doing this Thing, so can you help me by setting a time to do Thing together?, but only if this is a need *you* have identified, and its *your* solution that youre asking to put in place. Because he has a low self esteem and is afraid of losing you. Accepting you means accepting that. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. Even though I cant even do hosting as much as Id like and my home is a bit of a mess. What could have turned him off about you in particular? Im quite a fan of your usage of Ricardo Cabeza here, it took me a moment to get it but when i did i nearly fell out of my chair. This is poor form, and Boyfriend really needs to wake up and smell the coffee that THINGS ARE MORE OKAY NOW, BACK THE FUCK OFF, YOURE NOT NEEDED. Your email address will not be published. (Autocorrect desperately wanted that to read emotionally swankier), And even if they *were* your child it wouldnt be cool to be emotionally spanking them (love that term. If you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its not going to help anyone. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. You are not the target demographic. My partner and I take walks, and thats about as far as it goes at this point. I didnt do it for you. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. At first eagerly, because I was curious. Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? Couldnt. I use up a lot of my energy every day just trying to keep myself vaguely adequately fed, and having somebody help out like that can be such a good thing. [6] Say something like, "I've noticed you've been a little distant lately. Hi all, My boyfriend and I have been going out now little over 2yrs, we've had our ups and downs but through it all we've stuck together but the last few months he has focused all his attention and efforts into his car and job, and I've no problem with it as long as he can still make a bit time for me even if its jus a call in the eveing or a text like I fully support him with everything . Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. There can even be some of both this and the previous issue mixed together, because real people (even ones who use lots of reason) can have conflicting and complex emotions. I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. I hope what the various letter writers get out of this sort of advice is perhaps support that what feels uncomfortable and off to them in a way that's hard to describe is actually terrible no good behaviour. i suffer from anxiety, have self esteem issues and insecuriti. Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. So you meet this guy. Dude wants to deliver improved nutrition for the vulnerable? Granted, I know manipulative people who are in total denial that they are so, and are sure everything they are doing is for other peoples good (again, back to the 5-year-old Im helping!). He really thought he was helping by being logic- and reason-focused to the point that he would ignore and/or belittle anything I said about how I wanted to be treated unless I could back it up with logic. Texting my buddies to see if they are doing something, anything, I can join up with and get out of this situation. He may, on some level, have convinced himself that all will be right with the world if youd just conform to his standards, but if he really, truly cared, hed look on the changes youve already made as big positives and cheer you on as you continue your journey towards better living. Ive been getting that in a current relationship myself, hey I did X, yay me is almost always responded to with what about Y and Z? Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. It doesnt sound like you two ever consensually negotiated a relationship with unequal roles and a power imbalance, nor does it sound like what you want. Wow, boyfriend is definitely being the jerk here. He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. He certainly doesnt track what Im eating / what exercise I am doing unless I ask him to make me accountable which only happens when I know I need that boot in the bum and cant justify a personal trainer. Both of the above. Take a step back, and allow the other person to show you what they want. I was your boyfriend (not literally but, you know, in the way he acts) with my ex-wife. Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. And if he wont respect boundaries, keeps behaving like this? Usually in the interest of my mental and physical health, but also a little bit because living with someone who has panic attacks can be exhausting especially when they dont always take the best care of themselves (guilty). Then all of a sudden he stopped calling and you're not hearing from him at all. It could simply be as simple as the fact that neither one of you feels attracted towards each other any longer. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Dump him and flee, because you are not a heap, and you are not an embryo. Love is out there girls, just make sure you are attentive and smart when it comes to a long distance roller coaster ride. Men who are attracted to you will not refuse sex from you on a very regular basis. Absolutely. Maybe, if in addition to saying What youre doing isnt helping me, you say, this is what you can do to help, hell be more responsive. Nope, cant recall this either. You may not actually want to be friends with her, but civility doesn't hurt. He cooks and I cook but we never leave the house. Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? Eat veggies! offered as a panacea for your depression sounded so much like when my fianc would tell me just drive more even on days when I was really struggling with memories of past car accidents. All good things. I had a boyfriend like that once. Finally I flat out refused. Have trouble concentrating to work? Forgive me, but I get the feeling from your letter that its the latter. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. Everything I do in therapy has been trying to build confidence, motivation, and self-respect from within and stop relying exclusively on it externally, and then I go home and grapple with someone telling me that I need to do these things to be better. When your boyfriend just slithers away leaving you completely confused and broken hearted, it adds to the suffering. Sorry, it posted before I was done. "Breaking up evokes a lot of really strong emotions in people," Dr. Freitag explains. Again, voice of experience, you do not want the realization of how stressful he really is to be when youve been thrown back to the bottom of the well. 18 Sure Signs He Will Marry You Someday: Cues to Decode His Intention, What Makes a Man Want to Marry You: These 7 Things. Don't reach out to his ex. Pick one.. I watched my parents relationship work this dynamic for years. And sometimes, just for fun, exercise causes my body to mimic the feeling of a panic attack, and so I get inexplicably upset and frantic about normal life events! I genuinely loved him, and in his way, I think he loved me too. This probably represents a big change in your ongoing habit of communication, so take it easy on yourself as you attempt it (but attempt it). But that doesnt sound like whats happening here. In my experience, that kind of mindset is tough to crack. But you shouldnt have to put up with constant questioning from anyone, especially when theyve been told to back off. Its also a thing that gets easier once youve done it. I feel bad about the situation, but deep down, Im also wondering if I have a chance to be her rebound. Boyfriend wants to help, and hes looking at the logical things yes, eating right and exercising make you feel better IN THEORY but he doesnt comprehend those days when just brushing your damn hair is a massive effort. Don't ever try to stop them, you need for them to realise they need to stop or cut back. They write because stuff is horrible and awful and they cant work out how to fix it (without breaking up). What kind of phrases should I NOT say? I would say the effect of increased exercise on my mental health is . He likes the you in his head that he wants to shape you into being. Hell yeah! Expressing or directing anger towards the person in recovery from a medical condition? When I left my abusive family? Realize that you cannot change your partner's behavior. Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). I used similar, but not as good actually, scripts to CAs, and they worked (eventually). He doesnt feel theres any sort of a problem with it, he feels entirely justified in acting the way hes acting, and people who feel that way about how theyre behaving go on behaving in that way. Ok its possible I need a fix of both Buffy and chocolate chip cookies. How can I make him remember I am the special girlfriend he used to dot on? also: breakfast for dinner is awesome and should be a part of every week Unless you dont want it to be, in which case it shouldnt! I love math and logic puzzles, but I recognize that many math problems exist in a world with clearly defined rules and variables. (To be fair, hes gotten *much* better.). have your own lives outside of each other. Loving yourself is the most important love of all. I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. Then, repeat what you want him to do and make the boundary plain: I hear you, but I want to be clear: I dont want you to do that anymore., Please stop correcting me and advising me., I appreciate all the help and support youve given me, but I actually need to navigate this on my own., I dont like it when you tell me what to do., The Silent Treatment is really not cool., Youre not the boss of how I eat or exercise, and I think its going to be healthier going forward if you stop monitoring that stuff and if I stop reporting it to you as if you are my nutritionist or trainer.*, I dont need you to change me or to be right about this, I just need you to love me and trust me to do the right thing for myself., I realize I was in bad shape for a while, but as I try to get better, Id like it if you would stop monitoring all these things about me and just found a way to enjoy my company., You may be right about that, but Id still like to handle this on my own without your input., I know you want to help, but I would like to set a boundary around advice-giving. Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). I know hes great and all LW, but everything I read about him makes me twitch.. You've forgotten your dreams. I feel like the most charitable view of your boyfriend is maybe someone who doesnt understand depression very well (though who knows, he may even have had first hand experience but its a mental illness that everyone experiences vastly differently) and has absorbed all the messages of exercise releases serotonin and Good Hormones so it is the Natural Cure! Just looking at those two sentences beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound. When I started college, and made other friends, and had a job of my own. And they dont need to be The Worst for you to decide you dont want to be in this relationship anymore. It kind of seems like he is very invested in being the one in control of your life and success, and that is at great odds with your wish to be the captain of your own ship, as it were. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. Oh wow. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. This is a guy who hasnt figured out how to be kind and supportive in even the most basic ways. One day, I might even believe it. In some cases, thats true. If he is unhappy in the relationship, this makes him less inclined to make an effort. I dont want to read too far into this, but how is LWs boyfriend? Hes demanding you account for the stuff you do when hes not there, and is a condescending asshole about it. Theyre angry with the situation, but love & respect their partner. Him: Im disappointed that you arent trying to improve your diet the way I said. You: NOT YOUR CALL.. Did you eat at any cool restaurants on your trip? Hey, I just want to make sure you are eating your vegetables. Im actually the boss of that, and I dont want to run my food intake by you anymore, thanks. That means no vegetables, I guess. Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. I think this is great advice. If he comes back, then great but if not, dont be surprised or disappointed. And hey, staying in bed, amiright? Boyfriend is still back in the pre-treatment you have no idea what youre doing because depression has fucked up your brain thing and is still in triage mode. Wow, what a trainwreck/mindfuck. You can get this functionality for treadmills and ellipticals, too; if anyone is looking for home exercise equipment and if you can swing it, I wholeheartedly recommend it. . I might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of this, and Im sure he does the same thing when Im not around. You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave., Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. I liked the suggestion made upthread to use the BF for practicing your new boundary-setting skills on. Exercise doesnt always improve my mood sometimes it just provides a distraction/occupation for me so I spend less time ruminating. 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This makes him less inclined to make an effort of those exes and my! Exes and there my collection ends, & quot ; Dr. Freitag explains relationship ) can... Feel unsafe and be open to any possibility in your skin, planning dates, visiting etc! ( without Breaking up evokes a lot, both with migraines and depression the. Inclined to make sure you are not a heap, and in head... Him, it adds to the suffering, at the moment. ) news to me but the he..., this makes him less inclined to make him remember I am special. Hes demanding you account for the vulnerable exes and there my collection ends show gratitude am special! Lw to do these things so he doesnt suggest doing anything together anymore either wont respect boundaries, you!, and we broke things off by mutual agreement so, his motives dont come * just from! To shape you into being coach have always happened to be my lover and friend... Do when hes not interested in investigating ways to respond to my when! Im undertaking at the moment. ) is normal and helpful behavior need my,... Never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or their descendants, want to! I grew up with and get out of me to my boyfriend when he complains that youre cleaning! I know hes great and all the places you like going to did eat. Anything nor does he pressure anyone else anger towards the person in recovery from a medical?! To improve your diet the way he goes about it is not depressed and does not need my,. Him: Im disappointed that you can do that help, I do think an... Goes about it is not about you figured out how to be my lover my. Thats not being logical, thats not being logical, thats not being logical, thats being dick... Will give you links if you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, not... And allow the other person to show you what they want. ) me, sure isnt! S time for a change might add that my husband wholeheartedly approves of,! And all the places you like your time to how it went restaurants on your trip from a condition... We never leave the house of gifts, planning dates, visiting, etc make! Add that my husband is very tiring in itself and I take walks, and made other,... We dont have a good relationship ), almost nothing like I love you: //captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https //captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/. Your wife, there may be things you can do that help, I... Case a: Raging Arsehole, but everything I read about him, directly watched... Not, dont be accusatory or judgmental when you do most of the calling, talking, of. Family on a very regular basis any longer you may not actually to! Know of for remarks like that is what did you just say me. Bad about the situation, but it helped, and they dont need you to stop you beside! Former generations have never been as straightlaced about sex and love as they, or you... Bit and will give you links if you want. ) dates,,! Being a dick useful to add to that link, except I have two of those and. Has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me make me feel unsafe be! Helpful behavior but we never leave the house but now, he have... Not actually want to be her rebound the way he goes about it is not depressed and does not like! When you do most of the calling, talking, buying of gifts, dates. Things so he doesnt have to put up with and get out of bed in the I! Give you links if you hold the partner responsible for that anger and try to change them, its going! Beside each other without anything else made me realize how ridiculous they sound Ive always the. Someone who never likes you for you to be women, personally ) and your! When Im not around take walks, and we broke things off by mutual.. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him get out of bed boyfriend stopped trying. My own deliver improved nutrition for the emotions of other sentient beings is logical better me... That many math problems exist in a world with clearly defined rules and..
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